The Great George Carlin on “The Modern Man” (From “A Life Worth Losing”)

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist.
Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high-tech lowlife.

A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new wave, but I’m old school, and my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable.

I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb, a top-gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

A raging workaholic; a working rageaholic.

Out of rehab, and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down.
‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion forward.
Up front, down home, low-rent, high-maintenance.
Super-size, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready, and built to last.
I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk, headcase.
Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing, a supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like rough sex, I like tough love, I use the F-word in my E-Mail, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall;I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal, lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride.
Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’, jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and whinin.’
I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunch time is crunch time.
I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt.

And I’m hanging tough, over and out.”

– George Carlin

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